oh hell no, falafel sandwich.

if i lend you an article of clothing, it's because i don't want you to be cold. it's not because i want you to get your lunch on it. or your germs. or whatever the fuck that is that's on the seat of the bus. for fuck's sake, what is that? disgusting.

you've got to be joking, sushi.

how could you be so attentive the entire night, filling up our waters and asking how our food is, and then drop off the check and disappear for 20 minutes? how long do you think it takes me to pull out a credit card? it takes about as long as it took me to decide to not give you a tip, you jackass. hurry up.

ewwwwwww, eggs benedict.

cover your fucking mouth when you sneeze! i don't want ebola or tuberculosis or whatever crazy disgusting virus you have that you insist on passing on to everyone within a 5-foot radius because you can't be bothered to put your hand in front of your face. do it again, and i'll squirt purell in your mouth.

as if, whopper with cheese.

you're way nicer in my head than you are in real life. way to disappoint, dickhead.

it's not me, it's you, cheese blintz.

i heard your "joke" the first time, you don't have to keep repeating yourself. i didn't laugh because it wasn't funny. and no, it wasn't because i'm not savvy enough to understand. you're just an idiot.

and here's a tip: don't even bother repeating it when new people join us. they're not going to think it's funny, either. not ever.

welcome to walking in a straight line, sushiritto.

are you fucking kidding me, sushiritto? the sidewalks are not that narrow. why are you swerving? just walk. WALK. we're all heading in the same direction anyway!

you're way too much, bacon-wrapped hot dog.

frankly, you're insulting. and not funny. like, at all. ever. so stop trying.