put a cork in it, red wine.

"just because you are obviously fruit forward and have an earthy undertone doesn't mean you have to be so uptight.  we know you got a little wet from the errant water balloon, but honestly, that's the risk you take when picnicking in dolores park.  there's no need to be an anise about it."

thank you to a couple of our readers for this great submission!

back off, super duper burger.

i'm driving slowly because i'm looking for a parking space, you piece of shit. i'm not driving like this for my health. that's why i'm waving you on with my arm out the window. i actually told you what i'm doing with my arm. stop honking and go around me.

get off me, chicken pot pie.

here's some news: bus floors aren't uneven. that bump you're feeling is my fucking foot and you're standing on it. holy eff.

that's so unnecessary, rocky road ice cream.

did you really look in your closet today and think it was a good idea to wear that? oh whoops, my bad. apparently you did.

i'm over you, chicken soft tacos.

just arbitrarily mentioning places you've been or things you're doing in the middle of a conversation about someone's vacation, doesn't actually add to the conversation. it just makes you seem like a moron.

get off your high horse, bucket of chicken.

oh my god, just because your boarding number is A3 and mine is C55 doesn't mean you have to run onto the plane and take the aisle seat and put your bag on the window seat "saving it for someone" and be a dick when i need to squeeze by you to get to the middle seat, because that's all that's left. you're still flying southwest. clearly you're not better than anyone.

'don't let me eat that' is going on vacation, mofos.

but don't worry. we'll be back may 23 with plenty of fuel for the food-berating fire. see you then!

don't talk to me, paella.

how is it possible that every word out of your mouth is some unfunny "joke" or one-liner, yet you're not funny at all, 100% of the time? you'd think that things would average out and you'd be funny at least some of the time but no. you're definitely not.

watch it, bananas foster.

come here, bananas foster. i want to punch you in the mouth.

learn how to communicate, fettuccine alfredo.

when we're having a conversation, i need some context about the shit you're talking about. john and lisa being at the same place as joe and lindsay means nothing to me when i don't know who those fucking people are.

who cares, crispy bacon?

your facebook status messages are out of control. updating your status every 15 minutes with cryptic passive aggressive half poems about the universe and fate and light and dark doesn't make me want to ask "what's wrong?" it makes me want to kill you. get over yourself.

do you want a medal, blow pop?

wow, so you cleaned the kitchen. amazing. a 3-year-old orangutan can do the same thing, and a 3-year-old orangutan doesn't even beg for praise afterwards. how does that feel, being compared to a 3-year-old orangutan?

what do you want, ice cream drumstick?

are you giving me a dirty look? or is that just what your face looks like? either way, look over there instead. you're giving me the creeps.