step back, sangria.

unless you're the mothereffing big bad wolf, don't huff and puff at me. clearly i can't move any faster because there is literally A WALL OF PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME. if you weren't so busy being passive aggressive, you'd have noticed ALL OF THE PEOPLE.

were you raised in a barn, gatorade?

ewww, could you wipe the treadmill after you're done using it? it looks like a fucking water balloon filled with sweat exploded all over this thing. there are paper towel dispensers on every single wall in this stupid germ-infested gym. use one. or 12.

i don't even know what you're supposed to be, vodka cranberry.

just because a costume exists in the universe does not mean you need to make it sexy. i get that you're probably not actually a slut, and this is the one time a year that you can show off your body or whatever, but "sexy spongebob" and "sexy sea turtle" aren't actually things. it's really weird.

you're an embarrassment, kool-aid.

did you go to elementary school for even 1 second? why don't you know the difference between your and you're? that's like, remedial life 101. i suggest you commit it to memory, like all the other third-graders in the universe.

why do you think i care, vodka and grapefruit juice?

stop acting too cool for this train and like everyone is in your way, because your headphones aren't that great, and i can hear that you're listening to destiny's child. DESTINY'S CHILD.

what is your damage, mountain dew?

get a hold of yourself, mountain dew, and calm the fuck down.

is that english, slurpee?

if you're going to blow up my facebook wall with quotes and sayings and to-do lists, the least you could do is use proper punctuation. or grammar, for that matter. hi, did you pass the 4th grade?

just saying, orange julius.

i've been walking behind you for 5 minutes on the busiest street in the universe, with no hope of passing you because it's too crowded and everyone is a dick. i get that you're an addict, but was it necessary to light up a cigarette just now? you couldn't wait till you stopped at your destination? the last thing i needed on my way to work today was lung cancer.

jesus h., frappuccino.

you know what's an art? painting. you know what else is an art? dancing. you know what's not an art? sitting on the bus. you just have to sit there. why do you keep wiggling around? there's nothing to see!

put a cork in it, red wine.

"just because you are obviously fruit forward and have an earthy undertone doesn't mean you have to be so uptight.  we know you got a little wet from the errant water balloon, but honestly, that's the risk you take when picnicking in dolores park.  there's no need to be an anise about it."

thank you to a couple of our readers for this great submission!

goddamnit, bubble tea.

holy shit, bubble tea, i'm not fucking talking to you. i'm not even facing in your direction, and you're asking "what? what'd you say?" as though it pertains to you. well, guess what? it doesn't.

whatever, 'dr' pepper.

exactly what are you a doctor of, mister pepper? if that is your real name. you fraud.