you're a slimeball, fried okra.

that customer you're flirting with couldn't be less interested in you if she stood up, spit in your face, punched you, and then laughed. so speed it along and take her order already, i have places to be and i'm next.

you got what you deserve, shrimp cocktail.

do you know why you tripped up the stairs at the train station? because you're an overachieving douchebag. only overachieving douchebags walk up those million steps at 8 a.m., rather than take the escalator.

just stop it, potstickers.

listen, lady: people understand how empty seats on the bus work. if they want to sit, they'll fucking sit. you don't have to keep patting the empty seat next to you to let them know that they can fucking sit. they're not blind.

i don't get it, charcuterie.

i really, really need you to not stand right there because you're definitely standing way too close. you aren't just in my comfort zone, but you are actually setting up camp within my comfort zone. like, with a sleeping bag and baked beans and a guitar and campfire songs. i hate it.

that's rude, crab rangoon.

when you ask whether i think people would mind if you turn on music while we are watching a football game, and i answer "yes," and then you tell me that i shouldn't mind you doing it, that makes you an asshole. if you go and turn on the music anyway, that makes you a huge dick. good one, dick.

how dare you, popcorn shrimp?

i don't understand how you are taking up the entire sidewalk. you're just one person. is zigzagging really the most efficient way of getting to where you are going? why are you a fucking slalom walker?

i hate you, fried calamari.

you left me 1 millimeter of space to get out of this parking spot. 1 millimeter. i can't even fit a piece of paper in between our bumpers.

not so awesome, awesome blossom.

your new roommate is moving in this weekend, and she's trying to catch a cab to the place she's staying in the meantime. offering to drive her is a nice gesture. offering to drive her three blocks to catch a bus is ridiculous. why do you even try, awesome blossom?

don't stand so close to me, confit of moulard duck foie gras.

oh, really? you can cook and draw and fly fish and make organic films, and you're a leader of men? no, you're a liar. because why would someone who knows everything and everyone be standing here stinking up my airspace to brag to us nobodies about it? i have no idea what you're talking about. get off your invisible high horse. you're too small anyway

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