Friday, March 29, 2013

No, I won't sign your stupid petition, burrito bowl.

Oh I'm sorry. Putting a chain restaurant in this neighborhood is really going to take away from all the other crappy shit that already exists in this neighborhood? Do you even understand how hypocritical this petition is? I'll be in the Pottery Barn next door drinking my Jamba Juice from down the street while you think about what the fuck you're talking about.

Monday, July 16, 2012

how are you not deaf yet, scallops?

so we're all in this traffic jam at the same time, you do realize that, right? oh right, you DO realize that, because i can see you looking around like a dick, making sure everyone knows it's you and your blown-out speakers blasting some nonsense shit that nobody cares about. do everyone a favor and turn it down. it looks like your hubcap is about to abandon ship, anyway.

Friday, July 13, 2012

are you high, doughnut burger?

i don't get why you don't know how this works. this bus isn't even crowded. look around you. is anyone else standing on anyone else's feet? no. so back the eff off me before i cut you at the knees.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

what in the eff is wrong with you, buttered popcorn?

see this room we are in? it's a movie theater. see the 300 empty seats? it's a wednesday; there are only four people in here, including you and me. was it necessary to sit right next to me? i can hear you breathing. i hope you kick your soda over.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

that's not going to pick itself up, stromboli.

your dog pooped on the sidewalk. don't look around all sneaky and pretend that you don't see it. everyone sees it. your dog is enormous. even your dog is like, "are you going to pick that up, man?"

(image found here)

Friday, January 27, 2012

stop saying that, gyro sandwich.

just so you know, saying "my bad" doesn't automatically fix everything. in fact, it doesn't actually fix anything.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

have some consideration, cannoli.

we're not at LAX, we're walking in the financial district of san francisco. schlepping a wheeled suitcase behind you that is so clearly your "briefcase" and not your luggage for a vacation is so stupid and annoying and making everyone trip and fall all over themselves. and the worst part is that your head is so far up your ass, you don't even notice. i'm going to wheel that thing all over your stupid face in a second.