No, I won't sign your stupid petition, burrito bowl.

Oh I'm sorry. Putting a chain restaurant in this neighborhood is really going to take away from all the other crappy shit that already exists in this neighborhood? Do you even understand how hypocritical this petition is? I'll be in the Pottery Barn next door drinking my Jamba Juice from down the street while you think about what the fuck you're talking about.

how are you not deaf yet, scallops?

so we're all in this traffic jam at the same time, you do realize that, right? oh right, you DO realize that, because i can see you looking around like a dick, making sure everyone knows it's you and your blown-out speakers blasting some nonsense shit that nobody cares about. do everyone a favor and turn it down. it looks like your hubcap is about to abandon ship, anyway.

are you high, doughnut burger?

i don't get why you don't know how this works. this bus isn't even crowded. look around you. is anyone else standing on anyone else's feet? no. so back the eff off me before i cut you at the knees.

that's not going to pick itself up, stromboli.

your dog pooped on the sidewalk. don't look around all sneaky and pretend that you don't see it. everyone sees it. your dog is enormous. even your dog is like, "are you going to pick that up, man?"




(image found here)

ugh, udon.

are you 10 people wide? how come you sat next to me on the bus and now i'm smooshed up against the window? learn boundaries, you asshole. sitting on my thigh is definitely crossing a line.

that's what you get, ravioli.

do you know why you missed your bus stop? because you've been on the stupid phone all morning. ALL MORNING. all i've heard all morning is you on the phone. all of the talking in the world was done by you.

we're not friends, duck l'orange.

the waiter seating us next to each other, practically on each other's laps, isn't my fault. i don't even know you. so stop pretending like we're friends, asking me how my meal is, and telling me the guy you're with is a "friend from new york" and "not a boyfriend." it's awkward.

are you effing kidding me, double down?

what in the actual fuck are you wearing? you do realize that you are in public and that i'd say about 90% of the population IS NOT BLIND AND CAN SEE YOU.

i can't take it anymore, chicken kebab.

you do realize that everyone can see your facebook posts, right?

ok, just checking.

move your arms, schnitzel.

i understand that you hate being at this communal table, but please know that EVERYBODY hates being at this communal table. shut the fuck up and find something not complainy to talk about, all passive aggressively and loud.

it's that time of year, turkey.

put your food issues aside, and celebrate overeating. happy thanksgiving, everyone!

don't take it personally, chicken cordon bleu.

your breath makes me want to vom. go pop a tic-tac and then come back and talk to me.

i can't, pork chops and apple sauce.

how in the actual fuck do you think you can fit onto this bus that already has 400 people in it? you're carrying a ginormous purse and pushing a STROLLER. you're taking up more room than those seven hipsters at the front of the bus. wait for the next one!

welcome to how the world works, sourdough jack.

if i text you, don't call me back. if i wanted to actually talk to your voice, i would've called you in the first place.

oh my, big mac.

i see how you work, you evil temptress. just when i think i'm out of your grasp, you sneak back into my thoughts and recapture my heart. well, you win this time. but know that i'm onto you.

why, thank you, chickpea salad.

your mom really raised you right. it was so polite of you to hold the door open for me as we walked into the building. especially seeing as how i was RIGHT behind you. thanks!

you're about to die, angel hair pasta.

i'm swatting away at my arm, as though i'm surrounded by mosquitoes, when i notice that it's your long ass fucking hair brushing up against me. your stranger hair just molested my arm. you'd better figure out how to get it off me in a hurry, or i'm going to put on some gloves and rip it out.

i'm embarrassed, carne asada burrito.

you make living in this city hard.

you're not that great, taquitos.

i don't care who this new girlfriend of yours is. i'll talk to you whenever i want to, because i was here first. get over yourselves.

shut your mouth, pad thai.

if you ask me one more fucking time if i need any help in your stupid store, i'm burning the entire thing to the ground.