No, I won't sign your stupid petition, burrito bowl.

Oh I'm sorry. Putting a chain restaurant in this neighborhood is really going to take away from all the other crappy shit that already exists in this neighborhood? Do you even understand how hypocritical this petition is? I'll be in the Pottery Barn next door drinking my Jamba Juice from down the street while you think about what the fuck you're talking about.

how are you not deaf yet, scallops?

so we're all in this traffic jam at the same time, you do realize that, right? oh right, you DO realize that, because i can see you looking around like a dick, making sure everyone knows it's you and your blown-out speakers blasting some nonsense shit that nobody cares about. do everyone a favor and turn it down. it looks like your hubcap is about to abandon ship, anyway.

are you high, doughnut burger?

i don't get why you don't know how this works. this bus isn't even crowded. look around you. is anyone else standing on anyone else's feet? no. so back the eff off me before i cut you at the knees.

that's not going to pick itself up, stromboli.

your dog pooped on the sidewalk. don't look around all sneaky and pretend that you don't see it. everyone sees it. your dog is enormous. even your dog is like, "are you going to pick that up, man?"




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stop saying that, gyro sandwich.

just so you know, saying "my bad" doesn't automatically fix everything. in fact, it doesn't actually fix anything.

ugh, udon.

are you 10 people wide? how come you sat next to me on the bus and now i'm smooshed up against the window? learn boundaries, you asshole. sitting on my thigh is definitely crossing a line.

that's what you get, ravioli.

do you know why you missed your bus stop? because you've been on the stupid phone all morning. ALL MORNING. all i've heard all morning is you on the phone. all of the talking in the world was done by you.

are you effing kidding me, double down?

what in the actual fuck are you wearing? you do realize that you are in public and that i'd say about 90% of the population IS NOT BLIND AND CAN SEE YOU.

it's that time of year, turkey.

put your food issues aside, and celebrate overeating. happy thanksgiving, everyone!

welcome to how the world works, sourdough jack.

if i text you, don't call me back. if i wanted to actually talk to your voice, i would've called you in the first place.

yuck gross, chicken noodle soup.

maybe it's time you learned how to cover your mouth when you cough and sneeze? you're only probably in your 50s. it's never too late to learn something as stupidly easy and obvious as that.

it's bad, fried chicken and doughnuts.

stop looking at me all creepy, you greaseball. trust, there's nothing under the 10 layers i'm wearing that you want or that wants you back.

oh my, big mac.

i see how you work, you evil temptress. just when i think i'm out of your grasp, you sneak back into my thoughts and recapture my heart. well, you win this time. but know that i'm onto you.

not so fast, turkey sandwich.

don't let people walk all over you, turkey sandwich. stand up for yourself every once in a while. nobody likes a doormat.

why, thank you, chickpea salad.

your mom really raised you right. it was so polite of you to hold the door open for me as we walked into the building. especially seeing as how i was RIGHT behind you. thanks!

stand back, hot pocket.

you're literally standing so close, that if you moved your leg even 1 millimeter, you'd be sharing my pants with me. and that's not a good thing.

i'm embarrassed, carne asada burrito.

you make living in this city hard.

you're not that great, taquitos.

i don't care who this new girlfriend of yours is. i'll talk to you whenever i want to, because i was here first. get over yourselves.

shut your mouth, pad thai.

if you ask me one more fucking time if i need any help in your stupid store, i'm burning the entire thing to the ground.

lay OFF, stuffed pizza.

remember when you called me last week and i said i wasn't interested in buying whatever it was you were trying to sell me? why are you acting surprised when i'm telling you the same thing today? take me off your fucking list, and stop calling me.